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      再忆萧珊
      发布日期:2020-03-02

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      原文

      昨夜梦见萧珊,她拉住我的手,说:“你怎么成了这个样子?”我安慰她:“我不要紧。”她哭起来。我心里难过,就醒了。

      病房里有淡淡的灯光。每夜临睡前,陪伴我的儿子或者女婿总是把一盏开着的台灯放在我的床脚。夜并不静,附近通宵施工,似乎在搅拌混凝土。此外我还听见知了的叫声。在数九的冬天哪里来的蝉叫?原来是我的耳鸣。

      这一夜是我儿子值班,他静静地睡在靠墙放的帆布床上。

      过了好一阵子他翻了一个身。

      我醒着,我在追寻萧珊的哭声。耳朵倒叫得更响了。……我终于轻轻地唤出了萧珊的名字:“蕴珍”。我闭上眼睛。房间马上变换了。

      在我们家中,楼下寝室里,她睡在我旁边另一张床上,小声嘱咐我:“你有什么委屈,不要瞒住我,千万不能吞在肚里埃”……在中山医院的病房里,我站在床前,她含泪地望着我说:“我不愿离开你。没有我,谁来照顾你啊?。”……在中山医院的太平间,担架上一个带人形的白布包,我弯下身子接连拍着,无声地哭唤:“蕴珍,我在这里,我在这里……”我用铺盖蒙住脸。我真想大叫两声。我快要给憋死了。

      “我到哪里去找她?。”我连声追问自己。我又回到了华东医院的病房,耳边仍是早已习惯的耳鸣。

      她离开我十二年了。十二年,多么长的日日夜夜。每次我回到家门口,眼前就出现一张笑脸,一个亲切的声音向我迎来,可是走进院子,却只见一些高高矮矮的、没有花的绿树。

      上了台阶,我环顾四周,她最后一次离家的情景还历历在目:她穿得整整齐齐,有些急躁,有点伤感,又似乎充满希望,走到门口还回头张望。……仿佛车子才开走不久,大门刚刚关上。不,她不是从这两扇绿色大铁门出去的,以前门铃也没有这样悦耳的声音。十二年前更不会有开门进来的挎书包的小姑娘。……为什么偏偏她的面影不能在这里再现?

      为什么不让她看见活泼可爱的小端端?

      我仿佛还站在台阶上等待着车子的驶近,等待着一个人回来。这样长的等待。十二年了。甚至在梦里我也听不见她那清脆的笑声。我记得的只是孩子们捧着她的骨灰盒回家的情景。这骨灰盒起初给放在楼下我的寝室内、床前五斗橱上。

      后来“文革”收场,给封闭了十年的楼上她的睡房启封,我又同骨灰盒一起搬上二楼,她仍然伴着我度过无数的长夜。我摆脱不了那些做不完的梦。总是那一双泪汪汪的眼睛。总是那一副前额皱成“川”字的愁颜。总是那无限关心的叮咛劝告。好像我有满腹的委屈瞒住她,好像我摔倒在泥淖中不能自拔,好像我又给打翻在地让人踏上一脚。……每夜每夜,我都听见床前骨灰盒里她的小声呼唤,她的低声哭泣。

      怎么我今天还做这样的梦?怎么我现在还甩不掉那种种精神的枷锁?悲伤没有用。我必须结束那一切梦景。我应当振作起来,哪怕是最后的一次。骨灰盒还放在我的家中,亲爱的面容还印在我的心上,她不会离开我,也从未离开我。做了十年的“牛鬼”,我并不感到孤单。我还有勇气迈步走向我的最终目标——死亡。我的遗物将献给国家,我的骨灰将同她的骨灰搅拌在一起,撒在园中给花树作肥料。

      ……闹钟响了。听见铃声,我疲倦地睁大眼睛。应当起床了。床头小柜上的闹钟是我从家里带来的。我按照冬季的作息时间:六点半起身。儿子帮忙我穿好衣服,扶我下床。他不知道前一夜我做了些什么梦,醒了多少次。

      小编导读

      萧珊,原名陈蕴珍,是巴金的妻子,是他这一生的挚爱。《再忆萧珊》是巴金在萧珊去世十二年后的第二篇怀念萧珊的文字(第一篇是《回忆萧珊》),整张纸铺满了无尽的悲悯与心酸,真是听者伤心,读者流泪。

      作者简介

      巴金(1904年-2005年),原名李尧棠,现代文学家、出版家、翻译家。也被誉为是“五四”新文化运动以来最有影响的作家之一,是20世纪中国杰出的文学大师、中国当代文坛的巨匠。代表作《家》《春》《秋》等。



      有才子曰:再忆萧珊

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      7. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 0 AND `catetype` = 0 [ RunTime:0.000378s ]
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      9. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 77 AND `status` = 1 ORDER BY `listorder` ASC [ RunTime:0.000352s ]
      10. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 89 AND `status` = 1 ORDER BY `listorder` ASC [ RunTime:0.000298s ]
      11. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 95 AND `status` = 1 ORDER BY `listorder` ASC [ RunTime:0.000490s ]
      12. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 99 AND `status` = 1 ORDER BY `listorder` ASC [ RunTime:0.000307s ]
      13. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `qing_nav` [ RunTime:0.000409s ]
      14. SELECT * FROM `qing_nav` WHERE `status` = 1 [ RunTime:0.000410s ]
      15. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `qing_archives` [ RunTime:0.000669s ]
      16. SELECT * FROM `qing_archives` WHERE `id` = 1180 LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.000413s ]
      17. SHOW FULL COLUMNS FROM `qing_user` [ RunTime:0.000564s ]
      18. SELECT * FROM `qing_user` WHERE `iuid` = 87 LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.000294s ]
      19. UPDATE `qing_archives` SET `click` = 2583 WHERE `id` = 1180 [ RunTime:0.001751s ]
      20. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `id` = 93 LIMIT 1 [ RunTime:0.000349s ]
      21. SELECT * FROM `qing_category` WHERE `parent_id` = 77 ORDER BY `listorder` ASC [ RunTime:0.000327s ]
      0.117808s